NOTE: This is not a critique of people using boundary and/or finding it beneficial for them. This is an invitation to reconsider how boundary setting is universalized and put on a pedestal.
“Just set a boundary!” Something probably all of us have heard before, uttered so casually for the magnitude of decision this really is.
I am not writing this blog post to criticize anybody for exercising boundary or therapists for suggesting it. In this society, boundary is not only a beneficial skill but also necessary. Many conflicts are solved by a boundary. In this post, I am highlighting the wisdom behind why people, often Asians, resist “boundary setting” as a solution.
Yes, often it is because it simply would not work in our cultures. But there is way more to it than that.
When in a conflict, most would ideally want it resolved by empathy. Empathy, contrary to popular use, is not someone feeling the way you feel but is a skill of taking your perspective in the conflict. e.g. “I can see that you feel upset when I leave my socks on the floor. I don’t want to make you feel bad, so I want to stop doing that.”
This does not always happen. It is hard to pause and exercise empathy in a middle of a conflict, and conflicts often occur because the other party has a stake in not giving up the scatter-sock habit.
When empathy alone does not resolve it, it is time for requests and negotiations. Cards on the table, find novel, creative ways to resolve the conflict. Both parties do not want to hurt but genuinely do not want to hurt the other either.
The need to “set a boundary” comes after the requests and negotiations fail. This is a big decision. Going from a request to a boundary, you are entirely changing the nature of your relationship.
While there are various ways to define “boundary setting,” there are two characteristics that are omnipresent. One, a boundary is non-negotiable, aka unilateral and is a form of power struggle. Two, a boundary violation has a consequence. To put it another way, a boundary takes what you want and converts it into what the other party wants. “If you yell at me again, you are no longer welcome in my home.” They adhere to the boundary out of their own gain from doing so.
Boundary setting means you are giving up on a change based on the other party’s care and respect for you. This is what does not work for many of us.
In many cultures, respect is the foundation of any relationship. A relationship without respect is no relationship at all. This means that boundary setting solves the conflict but also dissolves the relationship.
If those of us who come from these cultures resist boundary setting as a solution and insist on taking year or decades to gain the other party’s respect, fully aware what we are doing and why we are doing it, that should be supported and applauded.
